The "Bimbo's Progress" articles began as assignments from Dom de Luxury. She thought they would help me figure out who I was, where I came from, and where I was going, and she was right. The biggest surprise was how many of you also found them interesting and useful. Like many of the "seeds" that Dom de Luxury has planted in my brain and then carefully nurtured, writing these pieces is now part of me and I'm doing this one on my own. I'm a lot less confused now about who I am and where I am going. I'll summarize my history and this essay will replace my earlier efforts.
I started dressing as a girl at a very young age. At first, the adults in my life thought it was a cute, passing phase. When the phase didn't pass, and I was still doing it at the age of 5, they got alarmed and took action. All of a sudden, I was getting a spanking for my dressing habits, and all the clothes I had collected (and in some cases made myself) disappeared. As far as the adults were concerned, I was "fixed."
But of course that didn't "fix" me, that sort of thing doesn't "fix" anyone. I continued to experiment when no one was around, borrowing my sister's clothes and makeup. Because it was forbidden, something that was originally a natural expression of who I was suddenly became an exciting activity, like stealing cookies from the jar. Later on, when I experienced my sexual awakening during early adolescence, the excitement turned sexual when I would dress as a woman. I have amazingly clear memories of all those early experiences.
This was way before our current awareness of the transgender spectrum. Back then, the only category I fit into was "transvestite." Transvestites were generally objects of mockery, and when I learned about them, it seemed natural to apply the term to myself and of course, I did not want most people to know about it! Who wants to be mocked? I had heard of Christine Jorgensen but, like most people, thought that her story was about the strangest thing I had ever heard and never thought it could apply to me! Having decided that I was a (closet) transvestite, that's how I thought of myself. Even as I learned about and supported transgender individuals, I never considered that might also apply to me. It wasn't until I met Dom de Luxury, what seems like a hundred years later that I started revising my own opinion of myself! To get ahead of my story a bit here: I don't believe I was ever a "transvestite" and don't think of myself as that today. I'm sure there are transvestites out there and good for them. But in my case, I think the sexual excitement that I felt from dressing up came from "doing something forbidden" and not from wearing women's clothing.
Adolesence brought further developments. As I got older and my face and body became more masculine, I started hating the way I looked and considered myself ugly. Women found me attractive, but this didn't change my opinion of myself. Today I would have probably been diagnosed with body dysphoria, but that was unheard of back then. I became deeply involved in academic, artistic, and intellectual pursuits, and, above all, I loved women. Coming from what I could describe as a sexually unenlightened background, I had no idea what to do with women other than admire them from a distance. My "transvestite" activities were becoming more of a challenge. This was partly because of my schedule but mainly because my features were becoming more masculine, and I started looking ridiculous even to myself when I dressed as a girl. I remember this as a huge disappointment, and it discouraged me from continuing more than any spanking could. I started satisfying my 'transvestite' cravings in fantasy activities, such as writing short stories featuring a woman as the heroine (in my mind, that was me of course) or selecting the female-role in video games. This sort of thing is sometimes called "crossdreaming" these days, and it's a good description.
In my efforts to figure out what to do with women (my wonderful but prudish home had no one available to explain the "birds and the bees" to me) and being a nerd, I sought such information from books. I did have some idea that you needed to have sex with women but had no idea how to do that. At that time, America was experimenting with more openness about sensuality and sex, so books on the subject were readily available. "The Joy of Sex" was one of the best. I managed to obtain a copy and read it from beginning to end. In addition to solving the mysteries of how to perform the sexual act; I also learned the importance of pleasuring your partner. The book also had a chapter on BDSM. I had never heard of it, but to this day, I remember how sexually excited I got reading about it for the first time. Permanently hooked, BDSM and submission became the second thread of my life, and I have spent a lifetime searching for the ultimate Alpha Female.
My relationships with women are generally intense and long-term, so there have not been that many. I would love to say I was a Lothario with hundreds of conquests to my name, but that's not my style. I also don't enjoy one-night stands. I've had both vanilla and BDSM long-term relationships. You might be surprised at how many women are interested in dressing their men up as girls. Surprisingly, even some of the otherwise 'vanilla' women I knew asked me if they could do this to me. My early BDSM partners were quite successful in humiliating me by dressing me as a girl. Of course, I was secretly quite happy to do it, but when I looked at myself in the mirror, I was not very happy with what I saw. Men who dress as women are comedic characters for a good reason: they often look ridiculous. So rather than tap into my desire to appear as a girl, it discouraged me from pursuing it (which was terrible) but had the result of humiliating me (which was good, because at least I enjoyed that).
A particularly unhappy break-up led me to explore the online world of sex via cam. Over the years, I've made many friends in that world, and that's how I eventually came to meet Dom de Luxury. My search for the ultimate Alpha Female ended at that happy moment, and for me, it was love at first sight. We had fantastic chemistry, and I spent a few happy years worshipping her unmatched beauty and being thrilled by her fertile and fabulous imagination without revealing that I was a "transvestite." One night, perhaps after way too much to drink, I revealed my small stash of "feminization tools": a few bits of makeup, a dress, some cheap fake boobs. She was instantly interested in this side of me, and that started a new phase in our relationship, one which continues today.
A Brief Detour: LABELS
Skip this part of you wish, but you don't do this for long without people sticking a label on you. Here are some common ones:
- This is a popular term. It's sometimes used pejoratively to refer to people who do not take the time to be very convincing. But it's also used by some beautiful crossdressers to describe themselves.
- This comes from cosplayer. There's a group of people who dress as the opposite sex and usually do it well. They go to cosplayer conventions, sometimes serve as maids (which is considered an honor). It's quite the subculture.
- These are crossdressers who don't crossdress but fantasize about it. Of course, you can crossdream and also crossdress. You might be too busy to crossdress, and so you enjoy thinking about it.
- Drag Queen
- Drag queens are entertainers, mostly gay, but not all of them are. The most famous drag queen is probably Ru Paul. They sing, dance, do comedy and dress up as women. Some of them look very cartoony, and some of them look great. Drag has been a fantastic influence on female fashion and naturally also on crossdressers, but if you don't 'entertain' then you aren't a drag queen. Drag queens also don't want to sleep, have sex, or live in drag. It's a job, not a life. Incidentally, there are now women who "do drag" and do it very well. They are usually called "bio-queens," for obvious reasons. There are also "drag kings," who are women entertainers who dress as men. For whatever reason, this has not proven as popular.
- Gender fluid
- People whose gender changes. In some cases, this can be a step on the way to accepting that you are transgender, but many people experience full internal transformations, sometimes feeling male and sometimes feeling female. In this sense, genderfluid is a "third gender."
- This is a commonly used term in the online BDSM community, and one of its most significant segments. If you meet an online domme while you are dressed as a woman, she will instantly assume you are a sissy of a specific type: Someone who is aroused by feminization (often forced) and has homo-erotic tendencies (also forced) and is also a masochist, enjoying the humiliating aspects of these activities. Not all sissies are like this - many are very proud and openly homosexual and not the least bit masochistic. Not all crossdressers are sissies, and many do not care for the term.
- Transgender (also TG/trans).
- This is a controversial term, not everyone likes it. It's increasingly used to describe gender diverse people whose gender identity doesn't match their assigned gender. In this sense, it's a broad term, which covers everyone from people who have sexual reassignment surgery and take hormones to crossdressers. It does imply a certain permanence. If you crossdress on the weekends for six-months and then never do it again, you are not transgender.
- Third Gender
- This is controversial and often politicized. Some people don't feel female or male (the so-called "binary genders"), or they feel, in some way, 'non-binary.' It can also refer to a third legal gender status that can be used by both transgender and non-binary people.
- This is an old label, but some people still use it. It's similar to crossdresser but implies that there is some sexual arousal from the simple act of putting on the clothing of the opposite sex. People certainly experience this, but I think it's hard in our modern society to separate the thrill of doing something forbidden and scary from the fetishistic excitement of putting the other gender's clothing.
The New Phase
At the start, Dom de Luxury assumed I was a sissy. You can see this in the first training lists she gave me. There were lots of assignments related to cocks and sucking them. And there were makeup lessons! Not only was she the first person to ever try to teach me the basics of makeup, but she was also the first woman who had ever tried to feminize me with genuine respect for what it means to be feminine. Compared to what I can do today, those early efforts were pretty sad. However, compared to what I had seen before, they were revelations! For the first time, I saw the possibility of actually looking like a real woman. Makeup became my passion, and I surprised not only myself but Dom de Luxury when we discovered I had a talent for it. More than anything else, it was doing makeup that was the gateway drug to unleashing a lifetime of suppressed gender changing desire.
Dom de Luxury realized what was going on way before I did. I was still thinking of myself as a "transvestite" and now was working hard on her instructions on how to become a sissy when she suddenly announced: "I don't think you are a sissy. There's a woman in there!" I still remember the surprise in her voice, and truthfully, I wasn't sure what she was talking about. After all, I was a "transvestite," wasn't I?
The character of our sessions changed, and I learned that not only was Dom de Luxury an incredible Dom, but a fantastic mentor. I had been able to make significant progress with makeup on my own (via books, lessons, and other resources), but there are some things that you can't learn without a life coach. She spent hours coaching me in fantastic detail about how to move my hands, how to sit, my manners; it was endless. I had a lifetime of masculine conditioning to unlearn, and it wasn't easy. Once that was done, I needed to develop a fashion sense. She gave me lists of instructions that helped me develop an underlying sense of fashion. It was (and still is) very much like going through a second adolescence. If you have a suppressed woman inside of you, when you let her out, she is not just going to emerge knowing who she is. You will have no idea. Having a powerful figure like Dom de Luxury to shape and guide me has been such a beautiful and stimulating experience. Thanks to her instruction people accept me as a woman in many social situations.
Stages of Acceptance
Not that this was all that easy for me. It might sound peculiar, but it was emotionally more comfortable to accept myself as a sissy than it was to uncover what I was. The sissy role fit in with the BDSM scene which I knew well and love and at which Dom de Luxury excels. It fits in with things I have done all my life. However, thinking of myself as a different gender, even for part of the time, was a horse of a different color.
But this didn't happen all at once of course. Somewhere in the course of all this, it stopped being "sexually exciting" to dress as a woman, and it just started to feel satisfying and "right." I started thinking of myself as gender-fluid: Someone who would change their gender based on circumstances or desire. This period was like riding an emotional roller-coaster for me, where I would go from the heaven of being a girl to the absolute and depressing hell of masculinity. I am not prone to depression and experiencing this was awful. The better at transforming into a woman I became, the worse this all got. Having since met many people who were in similar circumstances, I discovered that this cycle of happiness to severe depression is a pretty common one. It's natural to assume that you are getting depressed because you are moving from your true, inner gender, to your false, outer one.
Thanks to my friend Sandra, who has sadly become inactive, but whose website remains an excellent resource for all things transgender, I heard about fusion therapy. Fusion therapy asks you to consider that other things are going on besides a change of gender that could be causing these emotional swings. Consider your real life, which, as enjoyable as it might be, is still filled with stress and responsibilities. You have to pay bills, deal with your friends and family, perform at a high level at your job. As much as you enjoy all of this, it comes at a cost. Then consider that, for a brief moment, you are someone completely different.
Moreover, in my case, someone I had yearned to be for most of my life: an attractive, sexy, woman. You overflow with happiness, and everyone around you is encouraging and accepting. I had someone I loved and admired, Dom de Luxury, telling me how great I was doing and encouraging me. It was a dream come true. Then I woke up the next morning with a hangover and bills to pay. The idea behind fusion therapy is to introduce some of these daily stresses into your female life and help "fuse" the two identities.
I have found this to be a big help. In my case, I didn't find it necessary to "pay bills" and other vanilla chores while dressed as Pammy in order to "fuse". The fusion started to happen naturally as my standards for being Pammy got higher. It takes so much effort for me to transform that I stress about it. Don't misunderstand: It is incredible, and I love it. There's tremendous satisfaction and an indescribable feeling of self-expression as I decide on a look, put on the makeup, prosthetics, corsets, and everything that makes Pammy Pammy. However, with each successful look, the standard keeps going up, and the effort it takes is enormous. It's very much like being a real woman must be, and weirdly, that has helped me to fuse the two halves of my life, and I no longer experience these incredible, black, post-Pammy depressions.
So for those of you who are having this experience, I commend this idea to your attention. Fusion therapists tell you that you can't do fusion on your own, but I don't believe them. Maybe what I did isn't "fusion," but it sure worked great for me.
So Who Am I Today?
I have gone from considering myself a "transvestite" to "crossdressing sissy" to "genderfluid" and I now consider myself to be transgender. I feel like a woman and I don't need to be dressed like one to feel that way. I guess it would be more technically correct say I am bi-gender, because I also feel like a man, at least some of the time. Possibly if I had been born a bit later, I would be 100% girl today, but after a lifetime of living as a man, I am comfortable with being both. At least for the moment. Of course, that could change, so stay tuned.
Meanwhile, I'm a happier person for accepting this, and it has made all kinds of changes in my life, attitude, emotional experience of the world, professional existence. I'm happier in my skin, and I could never have arrived at this point in my life without Dom de Luxury. I don't have the words to express my gratitude for all she has done for me.
Being transgender comes with its own set of unique issues. My general approach to life is to try to maximize how much fun I am having at all times. I pretty much love everything I do, but nothing is without its unpleasant bits. That's the case with being transgender. I have managed to avoid these for a while, but they have surfaced as I have moved forward with my life. Most people will be (at minimum) uncomfortable with you, and many will outright not like you. Even among the LGBTQ community, it is not all peace and harmony. There are those who will only consider you transgender if you have top and bottom surgery, take hormones, and live 24x7 as your new gender. Many feel this way because if you have extreme dysphoria and need these surgeries to be happy, society puts up huge barriers and requires you to hop through many hoops before getting them. Rightly or wrongly, people who want sexual-reassignment surgery view people like me as a threat. After all, some might say, if some people can live without the operations, why can't everyone?
In the past, I haven't cared too much about all of this partly because of my general philosophy of life and partly because I was so happy exploring the new territories of my soul that this all opened up to me. However, lately, I have felt the need to make my transgender self more a part of my whole life. One seemingly straightforward way to do that is to change the gender on my driver's license and/or birth-certificate to an "X," representing the "third-gender" of transgender/intersex people. While it is possible, often with a good deal of difficulty, to change your gender indication in official documents, it is next to impossible to switch to a non-binary one. Even places that allow you to have an "X" on your driver's license require you to have one on your birth certificate. If you have the bad luck to have been born someplace that doesn't recognize third-genders, you are out of luck. I don't shed many tears about this, but it is a growing frustration. Why should society even care? Well, this brings us to our next topic:
The Science of Transgender or Why We Are the Way We Are
The simple answer to this question is, "No one knows." A lot of popular theories (actually still pretty popular in some circles) are psychological: being transgender is somehow some mental issue. If you lean this way and are pro-transgender, then you think these psychological states have validity and are healthy. If you are anti-transgender, then you believe they are diseases that need repair.
Physiological approaches have become popular with both pro and anti-trans sides. "Being born this way" has always been more comfortable for people to accept than is "being deformed this way by insane parents," for example. Also, it would probably make getting surgery easier. If you were born trans, then getting surgery is necessary to correct an error of nature. If you were "made" this way by some events in your life, then it's more like plastic surgery which is always going to be more controversial.
The physiological approach is also popular with anti-transgender elements. Many people argue that there are only two-genders and if you have two X chromosomes, you are a woman and if you have an X and a Y chromosome, you are a man. This is as stupid as it gets. The presence of the chromosomes is merely the start of a cascade of events that ends up with a person with various sex characteristics. As this cascade unfolds anything can and will happen. It's just a fact some people are genetically male (XY chromosomes), but with both testicles and a vagina courtesy of Mother Nature. I suggest you stop reading now and take a few minutes to watch this video, where just such a person talks about what her life is like and how she got there:
There's much interest in exploring this, and the exciting idea for trans people is that there can be various levels of response to the hormones that do the work of creating our gender. Alternatively, there could be situations in the womb that, for example, keep hormone levels in the brain lower than in other parts of the body. While the research in this area is interesting and suggestive, it is preliminary and much more work remains. If true, it would certainly explain the existence of fully transgender people and also bi-gender people such as myself.
You might think that such arguments are advanced only by religious or social conservatives, but there are people on the left who use the same arguments. There's a segment of feminists who describe themselves as "gender skeptics" who want to exclude any transgender person from being considered a woman, no matter what. I usually call them "TERFs" for "trans-exclusionary radical feminist." They don't like that term, which is also an excellent reason to use it. I have to say I don't see this tendency from men. As far as I know, there is no group of men who actively opposes female->male transgender people. This attitude seems to be the unique territory of a subset of feminists.
But there's a weird overlap of the "fully transgender" crowd who wants the whole surgery/hormone routine on the left with the right's "there are only two genders and genetics proves it" group that I find disturbing. However, right now, science is not offering us much guidance. Truthfully, I'm not sure what either side is afraid of. What kind of a threat does a person such as myself pose to anyone? Meanwhile, it's not much fun to add some transgender people to the list of people who wish I wasn't here.
As far as the science goes, if I were to bet on it, I think there will ultimately be a combination of medical and psychological factors that create any transgender person.
Words of Advice
So here's some advice for you. It's worth what you are paying for it, or perhaps a bit less.
Lists and Pictures
Two of the most useful exercises I got from Dom de Luxury were to make a daily list of things I was happy about because I was Pammy. The other was to put a picture of myself as Pammy in a place where I could see it all the time. Both of these helped me to form a more positive and clearer image of who I was.
One of the first pieces of advice I got from Dom de Luxury was to establish an online presence with my feminine persona. I was very reluctant and nervous about doing this, but she pushed me. As usual, her advice was worth following! Most social media sites allow you to have multiple accounts with different names, so it's no problem to set up a second account. Do be aware that you can encounter hostile, transphobic individuals who will complain about you. In today's environment, places like Facebook or Twitter will just shut down your account, and often no appeal is possible. I haven't had this experience, but I do know people who have.
Before establishing an online presence, get an email account under your girl name. I use GMAIL. Google is great about letting you have multiple accounts, and I have never had a problem. You will need an email address to sign up for most Social Media services, as well as to start interacting with the bigger world as a girl, so do this first!
I was incredibly nervous about starting an online presence on Facebook, but shouldn't have been. Facebook only allows 5,000 friends, and I had that in about a week. My time on Facebook as Pammy has been an invaluable confidence builder and a way to learn to interact with men and women in my female role, which is quite different than how I have associated with people most of my life as a male. For the most part, I haven't had any problem with transphobes. Most people think I am a woman which I love. There are a few people who have identified me as transgender, but most of these (both male and female) are what I call "transfans" - people who love or in some cases, are obsessed with transgender people. They are interesting to talk to and often want to pursue a more intimate relationship. I have mostly had excellent experiences with the people on Facebook. There have been a few ugly ones, but Facebook makes it easy to block people. Even the transphobe encounters have been relatively mild.
I've made a lot of good friends as Pammy on Facebook, and these people have helped me develop as a woman with a real personality.
I only have one account on Twitter, and it's a private one. I interact with other TG people there and also with my owner, so I prefer to keep that private. BTW, if you're a nice person and sincere, I will accept your follower request with happiness.
I recently started an Amazon account for Pammy. So far, Amazon has been great about it; they allow multiple buyer accounts with different names, you do need a different email address for each one (see my first advice to you above!). You can even share your Amazon Prime benefits across the accounts.
Nice things about having a Pammy Amazon Account: I can have a wishlist, and I can review purchases for other people. I buy a lot of stuff from Amazon, mostly clothes, and I always wanted to review them but was prevented from doing that by having to use my male name. Not any more. Interacting like this with the bigger world is very helpful.
Makeup and Fashion Advice
A lot of you are impressed with how I have managed to improve and transform myself. I'm so grateful for the many positive comments you send and thanks again for them. Many of you ask me for transformation advice, and I want to keep it real here: If you want to transform yourself completely, it takes a lot of time and effort. I spend the better part of a day doing makeup and putting on the various things that help me look like a woman. Doing hair often takes several days (but only an hour or so each day of course). Learning how to do all of this takes a lot of time and work. You have to want it and have to love it because otherwise, it is too much trouble.
I love my owner so much and always want to make her happy but to be 100% honest, that would not have been enough. If I had not had this incredible, internal desire to be a woman, I am sure I would not have pursued this with such passion and desire. Moreover, there were a lot of failures and disappointments along the way, be sure of that! If you mess up a look, it's depressing, and you need to be motivated to try again.
So in addition to your desire to please and obey Dom de Luxury, to become a convincing female, I think you need something from inside yourself that is constantly pushing you to grow and improve. It could come from the same place as mine does, a lifelong desire to be a woman. Alternatively, it could come from somewhere else. You could be a sissy that has an overpowering desire to attract men or even a transvestite that wants an ever-increasing sexual high from how you look. These are all great motivators. But if you are someone who finds that your desire to transform disappears the second you orgasm, you probably aren't going to make it all the way, and you should content yourself with less.
Sex and Gender and My Owner
One thing that's hard for a lot of people to understand is the difference between sex and gender. They have little to do with each other. Just because I now view myself as an intersex male/female transgender (or some combination of buzzwords) doesn't mean that my sexual tastes have changed. Why should they? Changing your clothes doesn't change who you want to have sex with.
They have broadened a bit. I do enjoy flirting with men on Facebook, and some of them are persistent. Even if I'm not interested in men, I do find their desire to be quite a turn-on. That's a surprise. Aside from that, I remain a devotee of female beauty and in particular, the most beautiful woman I know, who is Dom de Luxury.
And what role does Dom de Luxury play in all this? I've said that the raw passion, fuel, and drive to change and become a woman must come from inside of you, and that's true. But Dom de Luxury is the artist who will shape the raw material into the form she envisions. It may be different for you, but for me, becoming Pammy has been an experience of rebirth. I've had to learn to dress myself, put on my makeup, how to behave, think, talk act. Dom de Luxury has been the one who controlled the result of all of this effort from start to finish. Her passion for Bimbofication has forced my tastes in makeup in clothes in definite directions. I'm quite sure that, left to my own devices, I would not be the slutty Bimbo I am today. But I'm happy about it, and the Bimbofication experience has been a huge turn-on and source of sexual excitement and gratification.
Her latest interest is in the Dollification Fetish. If you had asked me a few years ago if I would be fantasizing about being stored in a box and taken out at someone else's whim to be used as a toy, I would have laughed in your face. But such is Dom de Luxury's skill at manipulation that I am now positively drooling at the thought of becoming her ultimate and (hopefully favorite) toy Doll. When we first started on the journey of Pammy and Bimbofication, she would tell me, "You will lose your free will, and you will be happy about it!" Truthfully, I have to admit I doubted her, but today, I am right where she said I would be. That's her genius and her magic.
What does the future hold? Who knows? But meanwhile, thanks for reading this and thanks for your continued interest. As always, if you have any questions or comments --- message me on Twitter