I am eighteen months into my feminization and bimbofication journey as Pammy with Dom de Luxury as my guide. And something interesting has happened, so it's time for a new progress report.
My life, always busy and complicated, has become even more busy and complicated. Dom de Luxury is in the same situation. This has made it hard to find times where we can meet and continue my training. A week ago, with a great deal of assistance from Lady Luck, we found a time. There would not be enough time for me to change into Pammy, but that had never been a problem in the past. The vast majority of my sessions are as Pammy but it takes a long time to transform. If enough time isn't available, the result is sure to be second rate. Dom does not want that and neither do I. So on such occasions she just worked with me as a man. There is always something she can manage to improve about me.
But this time was different. As the day of our session approached, I found myself growing more and more unhappy and uneasy. Having the session without being Pammy felt incredibly wrong to me. Like putting your left shoe on your right foot. But of course I didn't want to be a second-rate Pammy and I could not stand the thought of not seeing Dom. Fortunately, I was able, through tremendous effort, to rearrange my schedule so that I was could do a decent job of being Pammy after all. It took hours of work to rearrange and added many long and complicated days to my schedule for the following week, but it was all worth it. I was desperate to get rid of that terrible feeling of wrongness. I shared this with Dom de Luxury who became very excited and emotional at this news. She said that this was an amazing breakthrough for me. She was amazed by it and urged me to write about it.
I have thought about it for a week now and I still don't know what to make of this new feeling. I have never felt trapped in the wrong body. I am very comfortable being a man and do not feel that nature made an error. And yet, for that day, it felt wrong to be a man. I didn't feel trapped inside the wrong body, it just felt wrong to be a man at all. At least for that day and that occasion. That's something absolutely new and I agree with Dom that this signals a change from deep inside of me.
When I think about this, sometimes I find it shocking. It is a shocking change, that I would feel wrong to be something I have been all of my life, something I was born as, even if for only a day.
The other part of this is that today, I am not Pammy. And today, I do not feel wrong to be a man. In trying to work this out, I started thinking about some of the other changes I have been through in this process. They are not as big as this, but they are with me every day. For example, it feels wrong to wear men's underwear now. It feels wrong to pee standing up. A deeper change is perceptual. In the past, when I saw a woman in the street, I would only admire her for her beauty. Now I can almost read her mind. I know why she chose that dress. I know what she is thinking when she looks down at her legs or tosses her hair. I know what she wants the people that look at her to think. I have a sense of how she feels about herself and her place in the world. These are feelings and insights into the world that I never had before and it is the sum of all the little changes that preceded it.
These changes feel permanent. To me they are not shocking and never have been. But they weren't always permanent. At the beginning, when Dom ordered me to always pee sitting down, I would try to do it. Mostly. Sometimes I would cheat if I was in a hurry. Or didn't feel like it. When I cheated, I felt guilty. I had made a promise to someone I care deeply about to make these changes. It was wrong to break my promise. Today, it just feels wrong to stand up and pee. I can't imagine wearing men's underwear. To do either of things is not who I am anymore. It is just wrong. Dom de Luxury caused this change, but it is not about her anymore, at least directly. She has changed who I am.
Obviously there is a huge difference between how you pee and how you feel about who you are. You could say these are just habits and, with some effort, I could change them back. You're probably right. But these little changes (and many others), along with Dom's mental programming have led me to an existential conundrum I would never have predicted. I actually had a day when it felt wrong to be who I was born to be. How many people have had that? That is passing strange. So I wonder; Am I at the same point as Pammy now that I was with peeing months ago? Back then, I could pee either way, and it didn't feel wrong. Today it does. Today, I can be Pammy or not. It doesn't usually feel wrong. But tomorrow? I love being Pammy, and I love being who I was born to be. But in the future, will I begin to always feel wrong when I am a man? That is a huge existential whammy, and naturally poses questions for what it might mean for me and my life.
I have no answers to these questions. All I can say is that I am having the time of my life and wouldn't change anything no matter what happens. I've always loved going down roads that took me places I wasn't expecting and that's what I am on now. I have complete trust in Dom de Luxury and going forward, I won't have any regrets. I am completely open to this journey. It has made so many good differences in my life already. I am having more fun, am more happy and more excited than I have ever been about anything in my life before this. And I love my Dom. Having said that, I have absolutely no idea what any of this new stuff means.
So sorry to say, I have no grand conclusion or dramatic announcement. I have nothing to offer you but more questions. But if you're interested in what might be next, stay tuned and I'll let you know when the next development comes along. If one does. Which it might not.
Meanwhile, if you are thinking of taking a similar journey with Dom de Luxury, this should give you something to think hard about. It could definitely happen to you.
If you've had similar experiences, or have thoughts you'd like to share, feel free to message me on Twitter